I sat down at my computer, ready to write the English essay I'd been procrastinating.  I looked across the room and saw my guitar leaning up against the wall.  Strings glinted in the light.  Play me, it seemed to beg. I knew I shouldn't,  I really needed to finish this essay.  Just one or two songs?  The guitar asked.

I gave in.

Suicide

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
                    Isaac Asimov

               

              I was introduced to suicide at a very early age. When I was three, my grandmother killed herself. I didn’t realize it then, but she was in a great amount of pain.  She’d had back pain since she was in high school, she had terrible arthritis, and she’d fallen down the stairs at our cabin in the mountains and had smashed up the whole left side of her body. She felt like she was a burden to our family.  For some reason she thought we’d be better off without her.  She was wrong.

                When Grandma died, our family shattered.  My aunt just stopped everything.  She stopped cleaning her house, and she stopped helping her kids. The stress was just too much.  My mom’s a fighter, and she showed it less, but it hurt her just as much. Maybe more.  My grandpa started dating three weeks after my grandma’s death.  He married barely seven months later.  Having a new woman in my grandma’s house was a constant reminder of the hole her passing created, and seemed to keep that hole open. We were given no time to heal.  Holidays had to be re-arranged because my grandpa’s new wife had her own children and when we did get together, it just didn’t feel the same. Grandpa seemed to think that life would go on without any changes, but everyone else saw that the changes were numerous and extremely sad.

                A few years after my grandma died, a close family friend had suicide enter her life when her brother killed himself.  At his viewing, she told me, “We just have to know that God loves us all, and sometimes, life just sucks.” I thought she put it perfectly.

                It’s been eleven years since Grandma’s death, and my family is just barely getting over it.  The family friend has found solace in being part of a suicide prevention group that works with teenagers. As for me, I feel as if I’ve learned an invaluable life lesson. Suicide is not worth the cost. It’s a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” and is not an answer but just another problem. I’ve seen the affects of suicide, and nothing could be worse. Families are devastated by the loss, and will never completely heal. No matter what, suicide is not the answer.

Muted Colors

How simple we are
And we never change our ways
So very shallow

I just finished The Giver.  It's given me a new perspective on life... On living.

Everyone wanted to be safe, so they shut themselves away in a carefully controlled "community."  They wanted to shut out the pains of life, and in doing so, stopped really living.  Throughout the whole book I wondered what life would be like if that's what we had done. But... Isn't it?  Our lives are carefully controlled throughout most of our existence. Sure, we have some freedoms here and there, but most of our lives we're controlled by various things.  Our parents, our friends, society... We do what people expect us to do.  We do what is easiest.  Just like they did in the book, we've muted the colors of our world.  Perhaps not the physical colors, but most certainly everything else.  How many of us can say we have truly lived.  I would guess very few.  How many of us have done what we wanted instead of what is expected of us.  Again, very few.  Isn't it a bit sad?

It's interesting to me how people go about their lives.  I was people-watching today, and it was pretty fascinating.  Why do those people do the things they do?  Parents, friends, society...  We take the  easiest path, and in doing so, we mute the colors of our world.

Be Calm.

I absolutely love this song. I'm not exactly sure why, but i'm hooked. It's by fun. (the new band created by the old singer of The Format Matt Reuss). Maybe it's because it's something that I need to learn how to do. Anywho, I love love love it, and you should too. Amen.

P.S. Be calm. I know you feel like you are breaking down, but be calm.

As I walk through the streets of my new city

my back feeling much better, I suppose

I've reclaimed the use of my imagination

for better or for worse, I've yet to know

but I always knew you'd be the one to understand me,

I guess that's why it took so long to get things right.

Suddenly I'm lost

On my street

On my block

Oh why, Oh why

Oh why haven't you been there for me?

Can't you see, I'm losing my mind this time?

This time I think it's for real, I can see

All the tree tops turning red

The beggars near bodegas grin at me

I think they want something

I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe

and be calm.

Be calm.

I know you feel like you are breaking down.

Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes.

Be calm.

I'm scared that everyone is out to get me.

"These days before you speak to me you pause."

"I always see you looking out your window."

"After all, you lost your band, you left your mom."

Now every single crack, every penny that I pass,

says I should either leave or pick it up

But with every single buck I've made

I'm saddled with bad luck that came

the moment I was baptized

or when I found out one day I'm gonna die

if only I could find my people or my place in life

a when they come a'carolin'

so loud, so bright, the theremin

will lead us to a chorus

where we'll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.

Be calm.

I know you feel like you are breaking down.

I know that it gets so hard sometimes,

Be calm.

Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.

You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive

and everything's wrong

It just gets so hard sometimes

Be calm.

I don't remember much that night,

Just walking, thinking fondly of you

Thinking how the worst is yet to come

When from that street corner came a song

And I can't remember the man,

The panhandler or his melody.

The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I'd given thee.

Oh be calm.

Be calm.

I know you feel like you are breaking down.

Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes,

Be calm.

Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.

You hate your pulse because it still thinks you're alive

and everything's wrong

It just gets so hard sometimes

Be calm.

Be calm.

The Future

I'm scared for the future. "Tomorrow's Leaders" aren't learning any morals today. How are we supposed to lead, when we don't even know how to deal fairly with others? Today in geography, I looked around at my classmates. It struck how completely... Simple everyone is. So shallow. So petty. These are tomorrow's leaders? I sure hope not.

After criticizing everyone else, I looked at myself. I used to think of myself as a pretty good person. I used to think I was smart and good enough to actually do something with my life. Recently, I feel like something in me is gone. I have no desire to excel, no urge to try. And why should I? This world is already screwed up enough. What could I possibly do to help?

At the same time, as I see those starving African children, I realize that maybe I actually could do something. Maybe, if I try hard enough, I'll have some sort of influence on the world. But trying... It's hard.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

        Herm Albright

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
         Aristotle